Round & Round – PTSD


Over the last month I’ve noticed the flashbacks coming more often. There’s nothing that provokes them that I can decide. With the increased frequency, each scene becomes more vivid & even if there are variances in them, it’s always his last few hours alive that play in my head.

There are so many emotions in those last hours…mine…his…the kids. Thoughts about what he said to each child, reactions to his words to them. “You’re making too much noise. Daddy loves you. Go to your room & be really quiet.” Why?

Why won’t it stop? It’s driving me mad 😦 Each flashback brings sadness, worry, pain, tears, anxiety & anger.

Why? It’s been 3 years & 9 months since it happened! Why do I remember it more vividly than giving birth to our children? Why?

I have no answers. All why’s? are rhetorical. No one can answer.

I hate PTSD. I hate these flashbacks. I hate not remembering good things & just his death.

I’m struggling again 😦 I think I need to go see the doctor. I haven’t talked to him about PTSD since January of 2012. I should be better…I should be over the traumatic event.

Those last few hours…I hear his voice more now. I can see him in my mind clearly. He wants my daddy to baptize him. He waited until the end & now he wants to be baptized. His arm hurts, so he keeps raising it above his head to stretch it out.

He cried. It’s the first time in 14 years I’ve seen him cry & it’s breathtakingly pitiful. He didn’t want his mother to leave. He’s tired & lays down to rest. Unaware of his bodily state, he urinated in the bed. He asks me to help him move to the couch, but doesn’t tell me he wet the bed. He was 50. That would have embarrassed him. He’s so very tired. He says he’s going to nap & I go answer the phone. He didn’t want me to.

“Let the damn phone ring”, he says. I explain that I must. It’s his daughters. They’ve called for over an hour. They’re worried. I need to give them an update. “Take the battery out of it Chrissy”, he pleads. But, I couldn’t resist. I just had to answer that phone. Stupid me!! After a few minutes on the phone I hear him…he’s gurgling 😦

Couldn’t breathe. The mass over his lungs burst. He was drowning in his own blood. Throw phone. Scream!!! Call 911. Idiot answers. The rest I’ve already written about before, so why rehash it?

Why remember it? Why can’t my mind rewrite the memory? I pray & God gives me peace. Jesus usually sends angles to rock me to sleep, but not tonight. I’m tormented.

I try to focus on how far God has brought us – the kids & I. We are blessed beyond measure, so why is this happening again? Why can’t I just hit ctrl-alt-delete & end task?
Why can’t I reboot? It’s stuck there…playing out in my head…over & over.

I’ve remarried. 3 years & 2 months after he died, I remarried. The kids are happy & thriving. I’m happy 98% of the time & then out of nowhere, BAM! It starts again.
Why?Β  I’m happy now, I remind myself. I’m safe. I’m secure. I’m loved. We’re all healthy.

I thought there were suppose to be triggers…identifiable triggers so I could avoid them. I don’t see a provocative pattern except night fall, bed time, alone with my thoughts while my new husband snores away.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is torture. Maybe it’s provoked by an underlying subconscious thought pattern I’m oblivious to. Maybe I’m one of the unlucky ones.

Maybe I’m all alone with this disorder. Maybe there’s just too many maybes 😦

I’ve prayed for so many of you, whether we’ve met or not. Please keep our family in your prayers as I fight through this struggle. Please πŸ™‚ & ask the Lord to protect the children’s minds from such torment too. Theirs is a different scenario, but traumatic as well. They watched me attempt to save his life in front of them. They saw their daddy’s blood on my face as I blew into his chest in vain.

Oh Jesus, please take this from us 😦

PTSD is an evil monster of the mind!

30 comments

  1. I am so sorry for such tormenting thoughts and sights. All I can do is pray for you. Please Lord Jesus, touch this lady’s heart and children’s heart. Please Lord, give her peace and good night sleeps. Help her to think of her husband’s happy face in Heaven with Jesus, Let these be the scenarios she sees. In your name Jesus. Amen.

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  2. And I have to apologize for my above post as I just read your “things not to say”. Little late lol. I do know, to an extent, how you feel through my own experience. No two experiences are comparable and no two people feel the same. I can say though is I identify with the PTSD and while its fading, it’s still there and still very vivid when the thoughts come to mind.

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  3. I can honestly say I know how you feel. It’s not something I’m ready to write about yet….in time I will. It’s still raw, even with the passage of time. Feel free to drop me a message or if you would like my email address and I’d be happy to chitchat/commiserate/or whatever you feel you need πŸ™‚

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  4. I am so sorry you have to relive it all this way, Chrissy. I wish there were some way to help you drive it from your mind. Talking about it, and releasing the pent up feelings like this, is a good step forward though. GOD bless you! Please know that you and your family will be uppermost in my thoughts and my prayers.

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  5. I know that what you are experiencing is very real. And I’m so sorry. I know there are promising treatments for PTSD. EMDR is one that has proven helpful, as well as exposure therapy and others. I hope that you can find the support you deserve soon.

    As far as trauma returning at unexpected times, in the past I have experienced that as well. I think that when we are in a place of safety, something deep within us finally feels able to let go and deal with the difficult stuff simply because we do feel safe. (Not sure if I’m wording it right; hope it makes sense.)

    Take good care,

    Monica

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  6. Honey, I’ve never been where you are, so I have few words of wisdom. And I don’t know what the ‘right’ things to say are. But I see you ‘should-ing’. You’re having a hard enough time without placing expectations on yourself like you are, that you ‘should’ not be dealing with this still. It’s an interesting thing in our society and culture, that there’s an acceptable length of time in which one may grieve. But there’s no schedule, no time limit. You can give yourself permission to deal with this as you need to. I’m keeping you in my thoughts!

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  7. First thing, you did the right thing by writing to this your friends, keep on writing and talking to friends to get it all out, it was not your fault, while you are doing the above please do call your doctor for more help, I know been there!

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      • Thank you Operation Gratitude. I’m sure you hear stories from vets a lot too. I’m not a vet & until this, my only experience with PTSD was as a child comforting my father (a ‘Nam vet). As a young child, I couldn’t understand his anxiety and flashbacks…tears…and an unconscious survivors guilt he carried because he made it home and so many of his friends didn’t.

        I applaud what your organization stands for and hope to one day be able to volunteer with you. (Due to your location, I have not been able to thus far, but God may relocate us one day!)

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        • You’re very kind to want to volunteer with us–if you’re ever relocated this way, we would most certainly welcome you!! In the meantime, it sounds like you have PLENTY to keep you busy. Thank you for sharing your adventures and experiences here via your blog…Be well. πŸ™‚

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