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Posts tagged ‘fear’

Let’s Pin each other – Update for 9/30/2015

Hello all you wonderful pinning peeps! I have sadly been absent from Pinterest for too long. I logged in today and realized there are over 2000+ request to be added to the 2 Let’s Pin Each Other boards.  So here is what I will ask for TODAY ONLY (9/24/2015):

If you have asked to be added to either board and have not been added yet, send another request today. I will add you when I get the notification.

My problem adding people has been that Pinterest only shows me 2 names and then says “and 79 others” have asked to be added…so let’s try this again folks (because the 79 others are being left out!

Update for 9/30/2015: I am still only receiving notifications lumped together on Pinterest so help me out. Let’s do this:

Follow me and the board(s) Let’s Pin Each Other and/or Let’s Pin Each Other 2 and also leave me a comment below with your user name and I will do my best to add everyone as swiftly as possible!

I’m in an adding mood, so let’s do this.    And….go!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Love y’all,

Chrissy

Round & Round – PTSD

Over the last month I’ve noticed the flashbacks coming more often. There’s nothing that provokes them that I can decide. With the increased frequency, each scene becomes more vivid & even if there are variances in them, it’s always his last few hours alive that play in my head.

There are so many emotions in those last hours…mine…his…the kids. Thoughts about what he said to each child, reactions to his words to them. “You’re making too much noise. Daddy loves you. Go to your room & be really quiet.” Why?

Why won’t it stop? It’s driving me mad 😦 Each flashback brings sadness, worry, pain, tears, anxiety & anger.

Why? It’s been 3 years & 9 months since it happened! Why do I remember it more vividly than giving birth to our children? Why?

I have no answers. All why’s? are rhetorical. No one can answer.

I hate PTSD. I hate these flashbacks. I hate not remembering good things & just his death.

I’m struggling again 😦 I think I need to go see the doctor. I haven’t talked to him about PTSD since January of 2012. I should be better…I should be over the traumatic event.

Those last few hours…I hear his voice more now. I can see him in my mind clearly. He wants my daddy to baptize him. He waited until the end & now he wants to be baptized. His arm hurts, so he keeps raising it above his head to stretch it out.

He cried. It’s the first time in 14 years I’ve seen him cry & it’s breathtakingly pitiful. He didn’t want his mother to leave. He’s tired & lays down to rest. Unaware of his bodily state, he urinated in the bed. He asks me to help him move to the couch, but doesn’t tell me he wet the bed. He was 50. That would have embarrassed him. He’s so very tired. He says he’s going to nap & I go answer the phone. He didn’t want me to.

“Let the damn phone ring”, he says. I explain that I must. It’s his daughters. They’ve called for over an hour. They’re worried. I need to give them an update. “Take the battery out of it Chrissy”, he pleads. But, I couldn’t resist. I just had to answer that phone. Stupid me!! After a few minutes on the phone I hear him…he’s gurgling 😦

Couldn’t breathe. The mass over his lungs burst. He was drowning in his own blood. Throw phone. Scream!!! Call 911. Idiot answers. The rest I’ve already written about before, so why rehash it?

Why remember it? Why can’t my mind rewrite the memory? I pray & God gives me peace. Jesus usually sends angles to rock me to sleep, but not tonight. I’m tormented.

I try to focus on how far God has brought us – the kids & I. We are blessed beyond measure, so why is this happening again? Why can’t I just hit ctrl-alt-delete & end task?
Why can’t I reboot? It’s stuck there…playing out in my head…over & over.

I’ve remarried. 3 years & 2 months after he died, I remarried. The kids are happy & thriving. I’m happy 98% of the time & then out of nowhere, BAM! It starts again.
Why?  I’m happy now, I remind myself. I’m safe. I’m secure. I’m loved. We’re all healthy.

I thought there were suppose to be triggers…identifiable triggers so I could avoid them. I don’t see a provocative pattern except night fall, bed time, alone with my thoughts while my new husband snores away.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is torture. Maybe it’s provoked by an underlying subconscious thought pattern I’m oblivious to. Maybe I’m one of the unlucky ones.

Maybe I’m all alone with this disorder. Maybe there’s just too many maybes 😦

I’ve prayed for so many of you, whether we’ve met or not. Please keep our family in your prayers as I fight through this struggle. Please 🙂 & ask the Lord to protect the children’s minds from such torment too. Theirs is a different scenario, but traumatic as well. They watched me attempt to save his life in front of them. They saw their daddy’s blood on my face as I blew into his chest in vain.

Oh Jesus, please take this from us 😦

PTSD is an evil monster of the mind!

Changes after Death

This particular article is difficult to write, but part of healing is sharing.
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Death is not easy on survivors, the friends of the deceased, or the survivors friends. We are nearing the 3 year mark after losing my husband, the kids’ father and embarking on the PTSD  journey.  It seems with each passing year, each family member affected by his death is still affected in a different way. It goes without saying that each person heals differently after experiencing a traumatic death in their lives. Some still carry very tender hearts and others just ignore that the date of the event on the calendar exists. Rarely does anyone speak of the actual event any longer. I have heard it said that time heals all wounds, but this is not the case for everyone. If someone brings him up, they mention him, not the event. This too is part of the healing process. I guess we are making progress after all 🙂
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Tragedy can bring people closer together and it can pull people far apart. After a period of time passes, many people tend to forget that there is no correct or incorrect way to grieve. There is no correct or incorrect length of time for someone to move on with life either. Moving on with life or “living” doesn’t mean that you have forgotten what you had, who that person was, or what they meant to you. Because this can be forgotten, some people in a family can turn against the ones that they feel like are not grieving appropriately in their minds. They begin to pass judgement. Along with judgment, comes bitterness, anger, and a complete re-visitation of the grieving process. The person who allows anger to fester inside of them experiences many sets backs from their healing.

Death is not prejudice. It takes who it pleases. Death is not questionable. It is final. Death is not arguable, it wins. It is uncaring, selfish, ugly, and can change people forever. Death can bring out the worst or the best in those around you while one grieves or while one heals. Death changes the image of people that we have in our minds. Death can use a person’s emotions again them. Death changes perception.

Children process death differently in their mind than a spouse, parent, or friend. After losing a parent, children want to see the surviving parent alone. They are unwilling to accept anyone else in the surviving parents life. Another woman will never be good enough. Another man will be unacceptable. Surviving children can be cruel because their emotions over take them. They will feel as though the surviving parent has fallen out of love with the deceased parent at some point, even if they remain alone for the rest of their lives. They will assume that the surviving parent is trying to replace the deceased if they choose to re-marry. They can harbor resentment, anger, and in some cases guilt because they like the new “parent” brought into their lives by the surviving parent.
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A death in the family can actually be quite dangerous to one’s emotional state & the unity of that family. Siblings will turn against Siblings. Mother against father or vice versa.  If everyone involved is not understanding of the other members of the family and their feelings, the family can be destroyed.

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“Won’t Let me Go – Addison Road”

Norris Dam

You wont let me go!!!!                                                   Hope Now                                        Hanging On (Britt Nicole)

Psalms 62:5-12  My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from him.
He only is my rock and my salvation: he is my defence; I shall not be moved.
In God is my salvation and my glory: the rock of my strength, and my refuge, is in God.
Trust in him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before him: God is a refuge for us. Selah.

Surely men of low degree are vanity, and men of high degree are a lie: to be laid in the balance, they are altogether lighter than vanity.
Trust not in oppression, and become not vain in robbery: if riches increase, set not your heart upon them.
God hath spoken once; twice have I heard this; that power belongeth unto God.
Also unto thee, O Lord, belongeth mercy: for thou renderest to every man according to his work.

Oh Jesus, I give!

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More on PTSD – Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Composed a bit more now, I’m ready to hopefully finish this PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) article. In the last post, debunking myths was my main focus. In this article, we will review the realities.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD can be triggered in anyone that has experienced a life altering event, unexpected shock (also referred to as shell shock), participating in body removal, recitation of sick or injuried, unexpectedly witnessing flying, cut off, severed, or dismembered body parts. Being the witness or an active participant in any of these events standing on the sideline can result in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  It is common for police, fire fighter, EMT, military, and other professions of this sort to be traumatized by occurrences in their line of work. It is also common for suicide victim family survivors, and people that suffer from extreme anxieties to fall victim to Post Traumatic Stress disorder as well. As mentioned in the last post, PTSD does not discriminate against anyone.

Classifications:
Class 1 symptoms: the sufferer re-experiences the traumatic incident in nightmares & flashbacks. [This could be compared to a living hell.]

Class 2 symptoms: the sufferer displays avoidance. He/she wants to stay away from anything that may possibly remind her/him of the trauma. They may also display lack of interest to all life circumstances, like sights, smells, sounds, conversations associated or reminding them of the trauma. They could become unable to enjoy activities or loving/compassionate feelings toward loved ones. [This typically is the onset of anxiety disorders or depression.]

Class 3 symptoms: hyperarousal – Classic symptoms are being irritable all the time & an inability to sleep. [Again, anxiety and depression.]

Characteristics
Onset and duration of PTSD is determined by timing and the individual experiencing it.

Acute –when the duration of symptoms is shorter than 3 months.

Chronic –when the symptoms last three months or longer.

Delayed Onset – between the traumatic event and the onset of the symptoms there is at least 6 month period.

How someone experiencing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder feels
Diagnostic criteria for Posttraumatic Stress Disorder from DSM IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) as sited below:

The traumatic event is persistently re-experienced in one (or more) of the following ways:
(1) Recurrent and intrusive distressing recollections of the event, including images, thoughts, or perceptions.
(2) Recurrent distressing dreams of the event.
(3) Acting or feeling as if the traumatic event were recurring (includes a sense of reliving the experience, illusions, hallucinations, and dissociative flashback episodes, including those that occur on awakening or when intoxicated).
(4) Intense psychological distress at exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event
(5) Persistent avoidance of stimuli associated with the trauma and numbing of general responsiveness, as indicated by three (or more) of the following:  

-Efforts to avoid thoughts, feelings, or conversations associated with the trauma.

-Efforts to avoid activities, places, or people that arouse recollections of the trauma

-Inability to recall an important aspect of the trauma

-Markedly diminished interest or participation in significant activities

-Feeling of detachment or estrangement from others

-Restricted range of affect (e.g., unable to have loving feelings)
      -Sense of a foreshortened future

Persistent symptoms of increased arousal (not present before the trauma), indicated by two (or more) of the following: (1) Difficulty falling or staying asleep
(2) Irritability or outbursts of anger
(3) Difficulty concentrating
(4) Hypervigilance
(5) Exaggerated startle response

If you know someone diagnosed or being treated for PTSD Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, there are many ways you can help.
But, telling them “it’s all in your head” is the worst thing you could ever say.
Some people suffering from PTSD have taken their own life. Suicide is never a solution. If you know someone suffering from PTSD, be a friend. Don’t push them over the edge.

There’s more to say, but I can’t write anymore at this time. Maybe tomorrow, there will be understanding people in this life.

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