The Sport of Motherhood!
The definition of a Mother in my mind is a selfless, patient, observant, willful woman whom loves children; not just the fruit of her womb, but all. I get my definition of Mother from my mom’s example in life.
There are no classes to enroll in that prepares a woman for motherhood. There’s no fancy degree awarded once this position has been granted. There are levels that can be achieved, but there is no Final Exam, EOC, or ECA.
Here’s my version of motherhood:
LEVEL 1 (Preparation): mental roller coaster. Begins with conception. Part 1 First Trimester – either begins in absolute bliss & gratitude or anger & frustration with the male involved in the act.
Part 2 Second Trimester – acceptance and love. Love being pregnant. Loves the baby. Accepted the “baby shape” her body took on.
Part 3 Third Trimester – ends in absolute bliss & gratitude or anger & frustration with the male involved in the act.
LEVEL 2 (Trial Run, warm-up, Beta phase)
This level is inevitable. All new mom’s know everything, yet know nothing. Receiving unsolicited advice not acceptable, yet asking questions is. During this test run, babies are accidentally scratched, bumped, diapered too loosely or tightly, baby poops on the last clean outfit & is destined to hang out in the buff cutely, formula is mixed wrong, the blanket is forgotten in Spring/Autumn/Winter, and the bottle runs out before mom makes it back home for more. (Not everyone breastfeeds.) During all events, mom looks around to determine if anyone saw her & is deeply embarrassed even though each oops is private & unnoticed! She learns from each mistake and grows.
LEVEL 3 (Dentistry & Theater)
During this level, use of recently acquired cry decoding skills are tested. Mom may think she’s failing. Baby needs mom – clingy yet squirms when held. Many new acts & scenes are created to satisfy baby. New voices, faces, dancing & twirling, musicals are performed. Accents are developed & mom begins to speak baby to adults unknowingly. Once the culprit is discovered (evidence of tooth or fever, unsolicited advice is given, or grandma steps in) mom is determined to help the teeth make an entrance! Many dental therapies are attempted (gels, ice, rags, toys, massage, pacifier, etc). After 1st & 3rd tooth arrive, mom’s an expert!
LEVEL 4 (Case Study/Analytics)
Testing commences on food studies. New cereals/foods are introduced. Gag reflexes are studied and results are documented and shared. During Pediatric check-up results are proudly delivered. Poop Analytics begin. More unsolicited advice is administered.
LEVEL 5 (Olympic Training)
Several new sports are mastered.
A. One hand hip hoist – picking up baby from floor with one hand free
B. Hurdels – running & jumping from one side of the house to the other while jumping gates, toys, or sippy cups to reach baby just in time before certain disaster.
C. Diaper Dash – changing diaper quickly in public before anyone notices…or smells it.
D. Clean Sweep – leaping, running, crouching, and reaching quickly to tidy the house when unexpected company or guests arrive
E. Spelunking – skill of saving baby from heights (cabinets, refrigerator, tables, stairs, or banisters at incredible speeds
F. CrossCountry Running – Running at gravity defying speeds to catching baby across a yard, field, park, or grocery/retail store.
G. Geocaching – locating a sippy cup/pacifier when dropped or thrown into a field, thicket of brush, driveway, park landscape, or retail store dump bin of merchandise.
LEVEL 6 (Literature and Audiology)
Reading to toddler. Teaching new words & phrases. Baby learns to mock & repeat…everything. Embarrassing and unsolicited phrases acquired from other children & family members. Baby repeats said phrases in public or church. Mom buffers impact, apologizes & corrects baby.
LEVEL 7 (Electrical Engineering)
Learns how to revive electrical devices after food, slobber, water, or impact damage. Items include VCR, DVR, DVD player, MP3, IPOD, cell phone, remote controls, PDA, etc)
LEVEL 8 (Gymnastic Floor Exercise)
Lego high stepping, lil green army men dodge, baby gate hopping, toy reach, baby swing, and toy ducking.
LEVEL 9 (Acceptance, Accolades & Admission)
This level occurs multiple times: Daycare, Preschool, Kindergarten, Middle School, High School, Driving, Graduation of any form, College, Engagement, Marraige, Grandchild announcement.
To sum it all up, mothers are a special breed of people. Any woman can morph into this status, if she is selfless.
Happy Mother’s Day Mommy! I love you 🙂
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