What if I never find myself?


What if I never find myself?

I caught myself today staring at several pieces of scraped wood, thinking about the many things I could build with them. My imagination ran wild with visions of sawdust, wood chips, bird. houses, novelty trinket boxes, picture frames, and many other possibilities. I realized I was smiling. The thoughts of being productive, creative, and useful made me happy 🙂

Why did my mind wander off into such imagination? Have I always been this way? Why, I couldn’t even remember why I was holding that wood in my hand.

I looked around, taking in every detail my eyes could conceive. I saw Addy (my unfaithful dog), looking up at me as though I had stolen her 2X4 steaks. Mouth watering, she whimpered. Several birds fluttered in the bushes to the side of the driveway. A honeysuckle bush shook. Hmmm, those will be mighty tasty soon 🙂 The field in back of the house was littered with purple wild flowers.

What is my favorite color? It’s blue now, but I found in a journal I wrote it was green, blue, yellow, and once it was purple.
What is my favorite flower? It’s Chickory now, but once upon a time it was white roses in a journal.

I don’t know who I was or why I am so concerned about figuring it out. I catch myself lately, putting on my detective act and digging into my past.  Why am I searching? It’s been 8 months since I began the PCS adventure and 2 1/2 years since I began coping with PTSD. I wonder if what my mind suppresses are bad memories or if I have early onset Dementia.

One thing I’ve learned about myself is that I LOVE to be outside! I love this beautiful country side God created. In the Tennessee valley, we have the most beautiful Bradford Pears, blooming plumb trees, cherry trees, Hawthorne trees, & various colored Dogwood trees. The tulips, flags, little yellow and purple Easter flowers, creeping pholox, wysteria, lilies, marigolds, sweet peas, dandilions, clovers, and other gorgeous flowers have peeked through the winter ground, softened by spring rains.

The pollen paints all stationary objects yellow each day, kind of like God’s perfect peace falling on his children 🙂 Green slowly emerges on the mountain sides and the evergreens are relieved to finally rub shoulders with their deciduious friends. :+)

Ah, I love Spring!!!image

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10 comments

  1. Re “find myself”, makes me think of a W. H. Auden poem:

    I wish you first a sense of theater.
    Only those who know illusion
    And love it
    Will go far.
    Otherwise we spend our lives
    In a confusion over
    What to do and say with who we really are.

    Like

  2. Thanks conducive to the adept info. Obviously unprejudiced wen upward! I consistently do not bourgeoning on these yet brooding you did a briskly buddy-buddy depredate and I’m indubitable some people suavity the less anyway.

    Like

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