finding happiness in everything

Posts tagged ‘PCS’

What Are You Looking At?


Yesterday, after school, we attended a football parent meeting. It was a mandatory meeting for all players in all grades of the High School and was very informative. Since we have 3 boys attending (1 played last year & 2 will play in the Fall) we never thought a thing about attending.

It was a good meeting – very informative. I’m new to this whole kid playing sports thing because X & Z never played any sports in the past, but Y who came to live with us a year ago has played sports his whole life. All I knew of sports from last season was the the endless shuttling of kids from one location to the next, sitting in the stands and washing uniforms. Y moved in with us in the spring and just joined right in with the existing football team, so we missed any and all parental information meetings last season. Shoot, we never received any communications from the coaches or anyone else except Y. This year is different.

Anyway, after the meeting was a “cook out” which consisted of hot dogs wrapped in aluminum foil, tiny bags of chips, water, and cookies. There was no seating, so we all just stood around and snacked off paper plates and looked around at the other people, kids, coaches, etc. interacting or just standing around like we were.

I noticed several “clicks” or grouping of people that must have known each other from the previous years. My husband hasn’t lived here long, so knew no one really, but I have lived here my whole life. I went to this school. I saw a few people that I knew. And surprisingly something happened.

Memories!

Since hitting my head a while back and losing a ton of memories, I get super happy when some return! They were pretty happy memories too. I remembered the wings/halls of the school (which classes were where) and began to remember some happy, funny, or eventful events that occurred 🙂

I guess I was kind of zoning out after a few minutes because I suddenly realized my husband was talking to me. Listening intently, I tried to catch up on his conversation when I noticed over his shoulder that a group of women standing behind him were staring at us. There were 4 women in this group. The one in the front was covering her mouth and she spoke to the other ladies as she cut her eyes toward us. At several times our eyes met and locked on each other as she continued to talk to the other ladies. She would slant her eyes our way, nod in our direction and point with her elbow. Basically, she did everything except point a finger at us.

I looked back at my husband who thought I was upset about something and was refusing to look at him as he spoke to me. He walked away from me for a minute. I looked him over to see if he had toilet paper stuck to the bottom of his shoe or his fly was open. Nope. Nothing there to see. I found no reason they’d be staring at him, so I examined myself. I’m always dressed modestly, so I had no body parts playing peek-a-boo, no spilled ketchup running down my shirt, nothing on my face, and my hair wasn’t sticking up in an odd Something About Mary way.

My husband came back to where I stood and we spoke for a little longer. I glanced over his should a few more times and then it hit me! Bad memories…Not my memories though. I thought about the horrible stories about kids making fun of other kids, bullying and such 😦 I’ll admit that when I was in school I had my fair share of insecurities, but I was never bullied at this school over them. In fact, at this school, every kid is just…a kid. There were a few small “clicks”, but not very many and even the people in those groups were nice to the other kids. It really is a great school as far as that goes. Everyone is accepted.

I tried to tell myself that I was inventing something that wasn’t there. But…I just couldn’t shake the feeling that there truly was 😦

It was at that time that I lost my temper and knew that I needed to exit the facility in order not to embarrass my children. Afterall, X is going into his senior year and I don’t want to ruin that for him. You see, when I lose my temper (which is an extremely very rare occasion), people part from me like the parting of the Red Sea. I am not very pretty when I blow up which is why I have managed my anger very well through behavior modification. I pray and leave the situation quickly.

After much prayer last night, I found peace. I’ve decided that I will be seeing these women on a regular basis now and that I need to at least find out there names. As the school year goes along, I will also find out why they were staring at us also. I’m just blunt like that 🙂

Funny How Things Just Hit You


As I sat drinking my beloved coffee this morning, I rummaged through a year’s worth of pictures so the before/after photographs could be posted of the house.  I am downright excited to publish a post of gratitude and rightfully thank everyone that has blessed our family over the last year.

As I was reviewing the first 1,000 photos or so, I was flat-out excited! Creating a folder to move the photos into and ensuring they were in the right order was not bothersome at this point. After an hour had passed, I had successfully completed my first pot of coffee.  I was amazed that I took so many pictures & had parsed through several thousand at this point. Going into my third hour, I was mentally exhausted. I was becoming frustrated at myself for taking so many pictures of everything under the sun. I questioned myself even, “why did I snap that?” “Did I think that was funny, cool, or that I’d never see it again?” “What is that?” I caught myself being upset with myself for clogging up my computer with pictures of random stuff when it hit me.

It is defined by: Wow, I’ve had a great year! I’m not including the boys or their feelings in this either. They may see the last year in a different way. Since they have become strange creatures others call teenagers, I can no longer speak for their feelings really. Would you allow me, gentle reader, to share this with you?

Please do not think me boasting or giving gratitude to anyone other than God! I have honestly had a great year of healing without even noticing I was. I mean, I’ve noticed sort of, but I took each day and placed it in its own little boxed adventure and hadn’t lined all the boxes up together to see the whole picture.

Over the last year: I went from thinking I was moving on with my life and realizing I hadn’t moved an inch

– to mourning the loss of my husband again

– to recovering from a nasty concussion (PCS)

– to beginning the heart wrenching work on the house

– to moving away from home

– to leaving state several times and seeing new places

– to meeting new people

– to realizing I had fallen in love again

– to watching the boys grow closer to each other and healing (PTSD & grief)

– to taking our first ever family vacation

– to learning a new trade (kind of)

– to definitely learning new skills

– to learning to open up and share myself with someone again

– to renewing my faith

– to really learning forgiveness (PTSD)

– to letting go of the anger (PTSD & grief)

– to helping a few friends along the way

– to meeting some cool people in other countries (you know who you are…Paul)

– to being a Mom again instead of working too many hours each week

– to bringing another child into our family

– to finally agreeing to “let it go” and just be.

And I documented all of this through my pictures. There are thousands of magical pictures with time stamps and GPS locations to remind me just how far I have come and how unquestionably blessed I have been and still am.

I am happy that I was side tracked while trying to locate all the photos of the house for you. I apologize that you must continue to wait too, cause I’m only good for one post per day per blog.

🙂 May God bless you

PCS,PTSD & Motherhood


Whoa dude, where’d the rug go? …someone just pulled it out from under me!!

Tons of people have told me that I’m blessed to have whacked my head hard enough to pass out. Thanks y’all, that searing pain felt happy 🙂 image

Anyway, there are some interesting side effects to enrich most days.

Some days, I’m scared of things I can’t remember, literally! I’m not scared because I can’t remember. I’m scared and can’t remember why. That’s messed up. 😦 I get anxious and I don’t remember why.
I get freaked out at colors, smells, and memories that randomly POP into my head. image

So, how does this affect motherhood?

Hey mom, are you ready to go?

Where?

Mom! You said I could go to XXXX today & do XXXX! Don’t you remember?

Hmm, no. Are we late?

Yeah mom (pouting teenager face & slumping shoulders)!

oops 🙂image

Then there’s:

Hey ma, let’s go rent that video game you promised.

Huh??

Remember mom? You said you loved me, I’ve been a good boy & you wanted to reward me?

Hmm, no.
The other kid busts in the room.

Mom, you gonna fall for that? Bahahaha

Motherhood has become much, much, much more interesting!

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Memories, I recovered more!


While talking to a friend today, I recovered some awesome memories of my daddy!! I was instantly filled with joy 🙂

image

Typewriter like the one I learned to type on at the music store

When I was a little girl, daddy had a music store called Halls Music. It was located on Commercial Park Dr where Regal Cinema Corporate offices are now. I loved going to the music store with daddy. He had more musican friends come in than customers. Every Saturday was Jam Day & people came from all over to sing, play, and jam down.

Dad’s music store was next door to Cantrell Heating & Air on one side and a paint store on the other side. Also in the strip mall was Ken Rowe’s Pharmacy, a hair salon, Domino’s Pizza, and Byron Bryant Attorney at Law.

I use to spend large parts of my days at Ken Rowe’s Pharmacy. I loved Ken, his wife, & their son. That’s where I ran into Archie Campbell one day. I stared at him from behind the prescription counter trying to figure out who he was. Ken leaned down and whispered to me that it wasn’t polite to stare. I apologized & asked who he was. Just then, Ken winked at me and called out, “Prescription for Archie Campbell”.

I jumped up and ran around the corner. Smiling I said, “Hey! You’re on Hee Haw!” Mr Campbell said, “Why yes honey, I am. Do you watch that show on TV?”  “OF COURSE.” I exclaimed. “My daddy is a musican & he’s famous!” (Well, that wasn’t entirely true. He was famous to me, but far from true fame.) Smiling he said, “What’s your daddy’s name honey? Maybe I know him.”

I stood up straight & proclaimed, “My daddy is Jim Hensley. He owns the music store next door.” Mr Campbell smiled even larger and asked, “would you take me to meet your dad? I’d like to say hello.”
I nodded my head in agreement and he followed me to the store. We walked in together and he followed behind me. Dad looked up from the guitar he was repairing & said, “Why, hello Archie. How are you buddy?”
“I’m great Jim. I just met your lovely daughter.” Archie answered.

I was stunned. They knew each other. Mr Campbell became my friend Archie that day as I sat on his knee and listened to hours of stories.

He said, “Your daddy may not be movie star famous, but honey, he is certainly a legend that I’ll never forget.” He told me stories about him and my dad in recording studios, at parties, and in church.

I laughed, smiled, and felt good inside on that day!

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What if I never find myself?


What if I never find myself?

I caught myself today staring at several pieces of scraped wood, thinking about the many things I could build with them. My imagination ran wild with visions of sawdust, wood chips, bird. houses, novelty trinket boxes, picture frames, and many other possibilities. I realized I was smiling. The thoughts of being productive, creative, and useful made me happy 🙂

Why did my mind wander off into such imagination? Have I always been this way? Why, I couldn’t even remember why I was holding that wood in my hand.

I looked around, taking in every detail my eyes could conceive. I saw Addy (my unfaithful dog), looking up at me as though I had stolen her 2X4 steaks. Mouth watering, she whimpered. Several birds fluttered in the bushes to the side of the driveway. A honeysuckle bush shook. Hmmm, those will be mighty tasty soon 🙂 The field in back of the house was littered with purple wild flowers.

What is my favorite color? It’s blue now, but I found in a journal I wrote it was green, blue, yellow, and once it was purple.
What is my favorite flower? It’s Chickory now, but once upon a time it was white roses in a journal.

I don’t know who I was or why I am so concerned about figuring it out. I catch myself lately, putting on my detective act and digging into my past.  Why am I searching? It’s been 8 months since I began the PCS adventure and 2 1/2 years since I began coping with PTSD. I wonder if what my mind suppresses are bad memories or if I have early onset Dementia.

One thing I’ve learned about myself is that I LOVE to be outside! I love this beautiful country side God created. In the Tennessee valley, we have the most beautiful Bradford Pears, blooming plumb trees, cherry trees, Hawthorne trees, & various colored Dogwood trees. The tulips, flags, little yellow and purple Easter flowers, creeping pholox, wysteria, lilies, marigolds, sweet peas, dandilions, clovers, and other gorgeous flowers have peeked through the winter ground, softened by spring rains.

The pollen paints all stationary objects yellow each day, kind of like God’s perfect peace falling on his children 🙂 Green slowly emerges on the mountain sides and the evergreens are relieved to finally rub shoulders with their deciduious friends. :+)

Ah, I love Spring!!!image

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