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Yet another evil of PTSD

Another evil of PTSD is depression. It’s not always present and can be controlled for some by medication.

I hate depression. It rips life from a person and steals tears from its miss-perceived victims. Depression can take a beautiful day and make it cloudy, gloomy, and undesirable. It has much company when it takes root in one’s soul; for it invites anger, sadness, and self loathing with it. These rascally fiends take over and throw a misery party showcasing every wrong move, thought, word spoken, or deed done in the past. Their heart wrenching film plays over and over until the unassuming audience has become completely trapped by its clutches.

Depression is a beastly evil of PTSD.

Depression is one of the most commonly occurring disorders in PTSD. In fact, it has been found that among people who have or have had a diagnosis of PTSD, approximately 48% also had current or past depression. People who have had PTSD at some point in their life are almost 7 times as likely as people without PTSD to also have depression. Another study found that 44.5% of people with PTSD one month after experiencing a traumatic event also had a diagnosis of depression.

For more information on how PTSD and depression could be linked click here.

For another view on depression click here.Click Me, Click Me!

So, the question is, how does someone with depression associated with PTSD cope? PRAYER! A lot of Prayer!!

On this roller coaster ride we call life, there are always rainbows after every storm. We have to choose to see the rainbow instead of the destruction that the storm left in its wake. It’s also a lot easier to write about it than to put it into practice, by the way ūüėČ

I need a game plan. I need to figure out why I stop wanting to take part in life. The Lord and I are the only two that can work together on this giant feat and obtain any lasting success. Medication will only place a bandage over the wound that depression leaves. The longer I let it wound me, the deeper and larger that wound will be. I can’t let that wound turn into a scar or I will have given up and become lost in the misery party that depression wants to host.

Here I go! Wish me luck!! ūüôā I’m ready to tackle the evil beastly depression monster brought along with the sinister PTSD villan!!

Wet Wet Wet

There once was a lovely song by the music group Wet Wet Wet that I loved to sing, titled LOVE IS ALL AROUND.

Who would have ever thought a song by a water-logged band would have meaning in my life? Ha!

?

I haven’t written much lately because I have been preoccupied with our house. In the past, I have written about the damages our house had endured over the last 2 years.¬†We have had more rainfall recently than¬†I can personally remember¬†during the 17 years I have lived in¬†our home. In January of 2009, record rain fall hit Knoxville, TN and the ground began to saturate. Midway through 2009, it was pretty soggy here in the eastern TN area. ¬†{Enter the Soggy Bottom Boys}.

By 2010, the ground had swelled so much with precipitation that there was nowhere for this water to absorb any longer. County and state built run-offs began to flood and streams, lakes, ponds, and of course Рmy land began to over flow. In fact, Norris Lake (which is closest to my home) was so full (12 ft over flood level), the dam was overflowing and TVA had to release the dammed water off their schedule cycle. This inadvertently flooded much land that normally was not under water in the eastern Tennessee valley. As we begin 2012, the precipitation continues. Each forecast from the weather man with precipitation throws me into a state of dread now that my home has become a swamp.

Our home has become¬†a wet land,¬†and¬†it is time for a re-evaluation of life once more. There have been 5 contractors look at the house and dust their feet of our situation.¬†They wouldn’t touch it. 2 huge men said they were afraid to get under the house for fear it may fall on them.¬†All 5 companies¬†walked away saying that I should just “level the place” and build all over again or buy a mobile home and place it on my new-found wet land. Tears have flown from my eyes until they were sore and swollen. But, I am not defeated!

Rain Rain, go away

2 1/2 hours after the rain stopped

No. We are not defeated! My risen savior is Alive! We are protected and loved.

  • Matthew 19:26 Jesus looked at them and said, ‚ÄúWith man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.‚ÄĚ
  • Luke 1:37¬† “For nothing is impossible with God.”

Don’t take me wrong, I have been very upset during the last year and half while trying to save my¬†home from ruin. I have sworn, said foul things, hibernate¬†and¬†tried to hide from the world, ¬†threw my hands up in the air, and screamed in frustration!!¬† Then, the Lord brought some very important scriptures before me. It was like he allowed me to have my humanistic temper tantrum, then¬†he sent me comfort. It¬†poured in taking the form of many people and¬†objects for a little while, then he stopped me all together and taught me several lessons.

  • Proverbs 10:19¬† “When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.

This one hit me like a tons of bricks. Immediately I felt guilty for the things I had said in selfish anger about our lives and our home. Once something is said though, it cannot be taken back. Once a wound has been inflicted, it leaves a visible scar as a reminder so we do not repeat the same injury. My words during my rants are my scars now. I have and will continue to learn from them.

  • Proverbs 27:1¬† “Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring.”
  • Matthew 6:34¬†¬† “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
  • James 4:13-14¬†¬† “Now listen, you who say, ‚ÄúToday or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money. Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.”

I was trying to be the conductor, the Supervisor, the CEO of my life and I thought I could fix it all.

¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†For those of you who know me well, you know this is not like me at all! ¬†Previously, I had always lived my life 100% by faith and I knew I had no control over my life. I knew that God was in control¬†and I would have never thought about trying to fill his shoes. So, what happened? When did I pick up all of my burdens and begin carrying them again? The answer to this one bites…When Nick died.

 I was in denial. During the grieving process there are many stages. Doctors, counselors, and psychiatrist will tell you about all the stages they believe you will go through as a survivor, but there is one stage that they omit. Selfishness. They will tell you that you will experience:

SHOCK & DENIAL

PAIN & GUILT

ANGER & BARGAINING

DEPRESSION, REFLECTION, LONELINESS

THE UPWARD TURN

RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH

and finally – ACCEPTANCE & HOPE

What they will not tell you is that somewhere mixed in the 7 stages of grief, you will become self-absorbed. So many people will tell you to “take time for yourself” cause “you deserve it”. You were a great person (just because you are sad and you could burst into uncomfortable tears at any moment) so “do something nice for yourself”. Afterall, you were “so strong” and you are a “survivor”.¬† People mean well when they say these things. As a widow, a surviving child, or a surviving parent – be careful that you do not follow in my path. I heard it over and over. I began to agree with it, even though it was wrong! I fell into the “let’s just make her feel better for now” trap. I let it go to my head. I became self-absorbed and I forgot from whence my help comes from.

I didn’t go out, hit up every bar in town, go clubbing often, change my hair and make-up, buy a whole new wardrobe, or become promiscuous. But, what I did led to a path of self-destruction¬†just the same. Go through this post. Count how many times I have written I, Me, My, or Mine.¬†The good thing is that I have finally been rebuked enough to learn from it ūüôā I cannot do anything on my own. I am nothing without God. I can do nothing without him. I, nor my family, can prosper without giving him 100% of the glory and praise.

  • Proverbs 27:17¬† “As iron sharpens iron,¬†so one person sharpens another.”

The Lord revealed that he would send different people to us, one by one, to bless us.  I had to be obedient and accept the blessings to allow the person He sent to be blessed in return.

  • Proverbs 27:18¬†¬† “The one who guards a fig tree will eat its fruit,¬†and whoever protects their master will be honored.”

God, my master, deserves all the honor and glory for every aspect of our existence.

  • Proverbs 27:19¬†¬† “As water reflects the face,¬†so one‚Äôs life reflects the heart.
  • Proverbs 27:20¬†¬† “Death and Destruction are never satisfied,¬†and neither are human eyes.”

So, with these lessons learned in the swamp, from the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. I am thankful today for the swamp. It’s not mine. It belongs to the Lord. Why was I worried that I would lose it? It’s not mine to lose. I am just a steward over it for a little while and after I am gone…someone else will be a steward over the swamp ūüôā I sincerely hope that the next person is not as stubborn as I was. I hope they are prosperous¬†and lean-to the Lord for all their understanding so they are blessed beyond belief in that wet land ūüôā

I am so tired now.

I am tired of saying “I“.

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