Everyday is an Adventure. Embrace it

Posts tagged ‘angry’

What Are You Looking At?

Yesterday, after school, we attended a football parent meeting. It was a mandatory meeting for all players in all grades of the High School and was very informative. Since we have 3 boys attending (1 played last year & 2 will play in the Fall) we never thought a thing about attending.

It was a good meeting – very informative. I’m new to this whole kid playing sports thing because X & Z never played any sports in the past, but Y who came to live with us a year ago has played sports his whole life. All I knew of sports from last season was the the endless shuttling of kids from one location to the next, sitting in the stands and washing uniforms. Y moved in with us in the spring and just joined right in with the existing football team, so we missed any and all parental information meetings last season. Shoot, we never received any communications from the coaches or anyone else except Y. This year is different.

Anyway, after the meeting was a “cook out” which consisted of hot dogs wrapped in aluminum foil, tiny bags of chips, water, and cookies. There was no seating, so we all just stood around and snacked off paper plates and looked around at the other people, kids, coaches, etc. interacting or just standing around like we were.

I noticed several “clicks” or grouping of people that must have known each other from the previous years. My husband hasn’t lived here long, so knew no one really, but I have lived here my whole life. I went to this school. I saw a few people that I knew. And surprisingly something happened.

Memories!

Since hitting my head a while back and losing a ton of memories, I get super happy when some return! They were pretty happy memories too. I remembered the wings/halls of the school (which classes were where) and began to remember some happy, funny, or eventful events that occurred 🙂

I guess I was kind of zoning out after a few minutes because I suddenly realized my husband was talking to me. Listening intently, I tried to catch up on his conversation when I noticed over his shoulder that a group of women standing behind him were staring at us. There were 4 women in this group. The one in the front was covering her mouth and she spoke to the other ladies as she cut her eyes toward us. At several times our eyes met and locked on each other as she continued to talk to the other ladies. She would slant her eyes our way, nod in our direction and point with her elbow. Basically, she did everything except point a finger at us.

I looked back at my husband who thought I was upset about something and was refusing to look at him as he spoke to me. He walked away from me for a minute. I looked him over to see if he had toilet paper stuck to the bottom of his shoe or his fly was open. Nope. Nothing there to see. I found no reason they’d be staring at him, so I examined myself. I’m always dressed modestly, so I had no body parts playing peek-a-boo, no spilled ketchup running down my shirt, nothing on my face, and my hair wasn’t sticking up in an odd Something About Mary way.

My husband came back to where I stood and we spoke for a little longer. I glanced over his should a few more times and then it hit me! Bad memories…Not my memories though. I thought about the horrible stories about kids making fun of other kids, bullying and such 😦 I’ll admit that when I was in school I had my fair share of insecurities, but I was never bullied at this school over them. In fact, at this school, every kid is just…a kid. There were a few small “clicks”, but not very many and even the people in those groups were nice to the other kids. It really is a great school as far as that goes. Everyone is accepted.

I tried to tell myself that I was inventing something that wasn’t there. But…I just couldn’t shake the feeling that there truly was 😦

It was at that time that I lost my temper and knew that I needed to exit the facility in order not to embarrass my children. Afterall, X is going into his senior year and I don’t want to ruin that for him. You see, when I lose my temper (which is an extremely very rare occasion), people part from me like the parting of the Red Sea. I am not very pretty when I blow up which is why I have managed my anger very well through behavior modification. I pray and leave the situation quickly.

After much prayer last night, I found peace. I’ve decided that I will be seeing these women on a regular basis now and that I need to at least find out there names. As the school year goes along, I will also find out why they were staring at us also. I’m just blunt like that 🙂

PTSD Flare ups

PTSD flare ups are terrible, but I’m dealing with it. My son is dealing with it in a different way. Tomorrow will be his hardest day. This whole week has been my hardest. Sometimes, when a person thinks they’ve made huge leaps and strides in progress, there are still flare ups. Someone with PTSD knows they have come a long way in their progress if they can talk about it. It doesn’t mean the event is not as traumatic, but it does mean the brain has accepted a new neurological path to deal with it. The new path could be better or worse.

What can trigger a flare up?
It could be the weather. 2 years ago today, it was raining on this same day, Oct 19th.
It could be a song on the radio that was playing, or something on TV, a smell, or anything really.

What occurs during a flare up?
Many of the same emotions associated with the traumatic event are experienced again in the mind.
Mine is anger.

What does a person with PTSD do during a flare up?
Each person experiences PTSD in different ways. Therefore each persons reaction during a flare up could vary drastically.
I close the door on the world, crawl into bed with my boys, & just exist. That worked in the past, but now that they are older, it’s not cool to huddle round mom. I’m supposed to huddle round them. So…I will. I think I’ll take my anger out on the zombies in their video games.

Why experience anger? Why not depression or sadness?
Anger is an emotion that can be released during a sense of loss, hopelessness, helplessness, or could be a reaction to others misunderstanding of the circumstance.

I am going to lay my anger out in hopes that it may benefit someone else dealing with PTSD. Dealing with anger is healthy. Facing it head on is better. Holding it back, repressing it, or just rushing it to the back of your mind is what becomes detrimental to your health. What you read below I’ve undergone therapy for and do not have the rage now that I once did. This is the “I’m just angry/miffed” version with ALL rage behind me now (thank God).

I’m angry at the surgeon for removing a large unidentified mass from Nick’s body in June 2009 during a simple umbilical hernia surgery…and NOT telling us about it.
I’m angry because that @ss could have biopsyed the mass THEN, but DIDN’T tell us about removing it, that it was present or that he listed in the medical chart it had to be cut out from its existing mass.
I’m angry because this surgeon, Dr Kent, was so highly recommended by our primary care Dr (which I love and trust deeply) was a Jerkoff when he told us Nick had cancer.
I’m angry because that sh1t face little man couldn’t face us with dignity and break the news to us….he processed us like just another number. “Hello Mr. & Mrs. Bruner. How ya doin? Test results are back and yeah, you have cancer. Sorry bout that.”
I’m angry that I worried about my job so badly, I organized family to come from miles away to sit with him a few hours a day so I could work.
I’m angry that I worked long hours and extra days for too long and lost so such of the small amount of time I had with him.
I’m angry that I had enough dumb luck to reach a brand new employee at Knoxville 911 when I called for help!
I’m angry that the new employee said, “Ma’am if you want me to help you, you are going to have to go somewhere quiet so I can hear you.”  I yelled back, “THAT’S HIM! HE’S MAKING THAT NOISE! HE’S TRYING TO BREATH! PLEASE HELP ME!”
I’m angry that the untrained employee at Knoxville 911 couldn’t help me because he was looking up a script to read to me.
I’m angry I had to say my address 20 times and then finally throw the phone to my oldest son. “Talk to this idiot”, I said.
I’m angry this affected my oldest son. I’m angry he had to help me lower his father to the floor so I could do CPR.
I’m angry because the fine outstanding folks at Rural/Metro Of East Tennessee took over 30 minutes to show up.
I’m angry that when they finally made their appearance, they drug their feet, moved slowly, and didn’t even attempt to recesitat Nick for 10 minutes after they got here.
I’m angry that they had no professionalism in the least!
I’m angry that the “investigation” of the incident by Rural/Metro Of East Tennessee was swept under the rug and dropped with no answers, no replies, nothing.
I’m angry that my children cleaned up the materials left behind by the Rural/Metro Of East Tennessee workers. Why did my children have to touch needles? I don’t remember what I was doing when they cleaned all that up or where I was.
I’m angry that the employees from Rural/Metro Of East Tennessee that were in my home, drug Nick on the floor by his feet. I’m angry that they strapped him on a gernie, took him out the door, loaded him in the ambulance and did not answer my question UNTIL I smacked one of them on the back of the head. “Where are you takings my husband?”
I’m angry that the stupid chaplain at St. Mary’s Hospital wouldn’t GO AWAY. I told him nicely I knew his job, had performed it before myself, but that it would be better if he just left me alone. He followed me, followed me, followed me….until I screamed “I’M NOT CATHOLIC. GO AWAY LITTLE MAN!”  That, I have always felt bad for. I know he just wanted to help, but I asked him several times to just leave me be 😦

I’m angry that I still carry this anger!!!!

I share this, my anger associated with my PTSD, with you bravely.  I am on a recovery track. Talking about what traumatized the victim is part 1. If you are experiencing PTSD, don’t be afraid to talk about it. It’s all part of PTSD flare ups.

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