We all know someone who blames everyone else for their mistakes or short-comings. These people are really quick on the draw when it comes to allocating blame when they are faced with a mistake or embarrassment.

The Blame Game Player

In the bible Cain slew his brother Able and when he was asked about it by God, Cain played the Blame Game. “Am I my brother’s keeper?” he boasted. We all know what happened to Cain and it wasn’t pleasant.  This unacceptable personality flaw has been popular for far too long.

It’s common for children to go through a phase like this where it’s always someone else’s fault, but when does this end? Children will lay blame on someone or something else when they fear punishment or disappointment.

When is it no longer appropriate to play the Blame Game?

This question has been on the mind of millions probably since the world started turning.  It sure has been on mine a lot lately as I see so many younger folks expecting to be hand fed in life and coddled. I am seeing “kids” stay home with parents until they are almost thirty and it’s always some else’s fault because they haven’t left home. Parents now are just as bad. They allow their adult children to live at home while consuming massive amounts of caffeine and snacks while they play video games all day long in their bedrooms. The only time these “kids” emerge from their rooms is to take a pee or get more caffeine. If the parent is asked about the situation they’ll say, “It’s XXX fault. He could have moved out but XXXX (normally a friend) messed that up.” Or the famous, “It’s the school’s fault. They failed him/her by half a point so now he/she is here until they can go back to repeat the semester.” Or the ridiculous, “The teacher failed him”.  “Her boss fired her.” “They fired him when he got sick.”

Say What?

Has this world gone mad?

Look, we are all responsible for our own actions. Accepting responsibilities is a basic function of life. GROW UP and learn how to accept your short comings and stop projecting them on to others.

I call bull! If he/she failed it’s their fault. Instead if tutoring or studying, they chose to do other things. If she/he was fired, there was something they needed improvement on and they didn’t work on it. No one legally gets fired when they get sick.  People abuse sick days when they’d just like a day off. Then when they really need that sick time, it’s not available. That’s not the employer’s fault. It’s time for adults to accept when they make a mistake because it is not someone else’s fault!

The average person, as they mature and age, begins to accept responsibility for their mistakes and problems. This is part of the maturation process. It is normal and healthy. But for others, this process never sparks.  Those people as they went through life could make no mistakes. Therefore, all mistakes should be someone else’s fault. This can often be the fault of the parent that has allowed this thought process to flourish.  I see you angry parent snarling at me… Face it, if you allow a behavior to continue and grow over a period of time, you are acknowledging your acceptance of said behavior. It is simple as that.

The real harm comes in the adult years of life if this “always someone’s else fault” mentality is not corrected. The Blamer becomes an abuser.

How?  Come closer, let me show you…

When someone is too immature to accept responsibility when they make a mistake, they will continue to play the blame game. They will blame co-workers, bosses, accountants, lawyers, every driver on the road and worse…the spouse and children.  Often times the blamer doesn’t realize what harm they are inflicting.

My personal pet peeve is the fat blamer. This is the person who remarks consistently about someone’s weight to take the focus of themselves for a mistake made.  Have you ever heard, “It’s because you are fat” as a blame from friends, family or co-workers? Yeah,  that one really bites.  I turn into a bull seeing all red if I hear that one said to anyone anywhere!  Here is a recent example: “You could probably find a girlfriend if you weren’t so fat.” That was said to a dear friend of mine to which I replied, “You could probably stop turning people to stone when you look at them if you didn’t look like Medusa.”    No one has ever lost a girl or boy friend because they were over weight. That’s an excuse. It’s part of the blame game. That’s from one fat kid to another!  There are always deeper underlying issues.  No one has ever failed a test, missed a class, fallen off a bike, or misspelled a word because they were obese.  Who gets to decide what obese is anyway? It’s a personal thing and it is different for each person.

If the house is always messy because it’s someone else’s fault (the children or the house guest); how will your children react to hearing this all the time? They will be filled with guilt that it is their fault that Mommy or Daddy are always embarrassed of the house. This may be an unintentional  form of emotional abuse but it is just a real as physical abuse. Comments like this will squash a child’s already tender self-confidence.  Re-evaluating that same experience, wouldn’t it have been better for Mommy or Daddy to have said, “Pardon the mess, I haven’t cleaned yet.” ?  Ah ha! That would be accepting responsibility instead of playing the Blame Game.

If someone comes to visit and you blame the dog for the way your house smells, you lied! It’s not the dog’s fault, it’s yours. You are the provider, the feeder, the water person, the bather, and the medicine giver.  You have full control of your actions and every minute of your day. You could have said, “Excuse the way the house smells, I was too lazy to freshen up for you.”      This is lazy blame.

If a spouse comes home tired each night and then takes out their frustrations from the day on their significant other, that is another form of playing the Blame Game.  Saying things like, “my laundry isn’t done? I have been at work all day and you didn’t finish it?”  This is another form of blame that is abusive. The angry spouse could take a deep breathe before walking through the door.  When you aren’t at the top of your game, it is still no excuse to elevate yourself by tearing down your spouse. Then focus on how great it is to be back in his/her home. Instead, they used a Blame Game tactic.  They compare themselves to the lesser spouse (the one being blamed) to shame them for not finished a selected task. Instead it could have been said, “I’ve had a rough day and I am tired. I know you work hard too but I really need my laundry finished when you can please.”  Ta-Da!  The spouse tired from work accepted responsibility for his/her grouchy attitude and then made a request.

Taking these two examples, multiply those by 5 times a day in various situations. Now image hearing these things every day. It is not emotionally nor mentally health to be around someone who is constantly blaming someone else.  The listener takes in all that blame and begins to feel unworthy in many ways. Their self-confidence is shot. They can withdraw and become depressed.

Some people are playing the Blame Game without realizing it; others know exactly what they are doing.  For the ones that are unaware, they will most likely deny it or be offended when it is brought to their attention. After all, it’s always someone else’s fault.  They will probably stew over it for several days as they complain and continue to blame others.

It is possible to change this mode of thinking through daily exercises and reminders.  But, change is only possible for those who recognize what their Blaming is doing to others and wants to change.  The blamer has to want it.  Then it only takes a week to develop a new habit or way of seeing things. Even through the denial process, chances are high that the abuser doesn’t realize he/she is doing it. With constant support and re-enforcement it can be done successfully!

Do you have a Blamer in your life?