How to describe that moment? That moment when it hits you, when it all comes down like a ton of bricks and reality steps right in your face – You’re a Mom, a Mother, the one trusted source of information about vomit, diarrhea, diaper rash & common illnesses.
Not during pregnancy, although many women experience revelation then, but when that young one is in your arms. That’s when it’s real. That moment when the mental connection is made. I’ve heard some say it was in the hospital it hit them, but not for me. Oh no, it was after I got home. Suddenly, I realized how helpful the hospital staff had been during the first couple of days. They didn’t come home with me. There was no help really!
Nothing prepares you for it – not books, movies, seminars, or pregnancy classes. Nope, no stories you hear or conversations will prepare you for the inevitable; that fateful moment that suddenly shakes your inner being like a banana tree.
It can happen multiple times, through multiple ages of the child’s life, and can be as small as a thought or as profound as a huge chilling emotion sweeping over you. You know, the one that takes your breath away and leave you feeling shell-shocked? Yep, that’s the one I’m writing about.
For me, the pregnancy was not it. Not with my first-born anyway. Not carrying him, not the short easy labor, not even the nurses bringing him to me created the reality that I had entered into the everlasting realm of motherhood. Nope. I carried on as though completing a task. Like getting from point A to point B. I marked off the mile markers as I went until one day, when he was about 3 weeks old, it hit me.
I was laying in bed with him beside me nursing. He was making little sounds. He was so relaxed. It was like he trusted me already and didn’t even know me. He looked up at me with his little eyes full of love as his little hand patted my arm. BOOM! Right there, right then I realized I was a Mom. I started to cry. Emotions swept over me like an avalanche and I was completely consumed. 20 years later I can still feel that same love & emotions sweep over me when he calls.
Then a couple of years later, my life replayed the previous 2 years. I was pregnant again with another boy. I thought man, I got this! I mean, I had already been there, done that, got the t-shirt!
Nope, it all hit me again. He was about 6 days old…my oldest was laying beside me & new baby was in my arms. We were home. I realized this was a forever gig. And I realized that although I didn’t apply for the position, I knew it was meant to be 🙂
Here they are today. Those 2 babies grew up and they’re so much bigger than me. My biggest fear, the one I wrestled with the most with throughout their infancy & toddler years – never came true (PRAISE GOD).
My biological mother gave me away. She didn’t want me. Her biological mother gave her away. She wasn’t wanted either. All the women in my biological family seemingly did the same thing. I don’t want to be like that. Please Jesus, please don’t let me do it. No matter what comes, keep my mind strong. Keep me fiercely independent and protect my mental state. Please, please, please!!
God is merciful. I kept them…plus 2 girls and another boy God sent me. 🙂