Part 3 (If you need to catch up, you can read part 2 and part 1 in this series.)
Let’s Build Something
Please keep in mind that working with a child that has ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder) is like building a pyramid. While you are laying a foundation, you must keep working on the original cornerstone pieces as you continue to move forward – continuing to work on the next piece. If you neglect one of the cornerstones you’ve laid out before, your entire structure will tumble-down. So remember as you read through these articles that each week we added 1 new item to work on as we continued to work on the previous things.
Three weeks into this new ODD journey, We had addressed open dialog and bringing annoying behaviors to Knight’s attention in a constructive way so we didn’t sound like we were all against him. On our third week we met an old friend, “Someone Else”.
Someone Else Did It!
No one in our house likes “Someone Else”. “Someone Else” was the most annoying member of the entire family unit. “Someone Else” kept adjusting the thermostat on the heating/air unit. He was always causing drama, defying the rules, and challenging authority. “Someone Else” was a huge nuisance! He was always making messes that everyone else was blamed for. 🙁
Taking ownership of our actions and telling the truth are basic fundamentals that we teach our children soon after they begin toddling around and speaking. As parents we emphasis this more so once our children begin to intermingle with other children (Daycare, Pre-School or Kindergarten). It’s a continual thing that we all work on and hope we succeed at once our children have become adults. I would be a hypocrite if I claimed that my boys were perfect at this when Knight came to live with us. They have and always will be (like everyone else’s children) a work in progress.
Children/teenagers with ODD have an exceptional case of “Someone Else” though. They deny ownership of issues and actions so much that their reality becomes their lies and denial. After a time, they don’t realize their own lies. It becomes second nature and they incorporate it into who they are (their identity).
I spoke to Knight about the lies I noticed him telling. He denied them. He denied everything he did, everything he said, and everything he was caught in the act of doing. His responses were, “I didn’t do it. Someone else did.” 🙁 He lied because he said he thought it was funny. He said he lied to be cool, to be accepted, to make himself feel better, and to annoy people. He said he lied so much even he was unsure how to stop. I offered to bring his lies to his attention as he was in the act of doing so, if it would help. He agreed. Once again, I found myself in a position where I was going to have to call out a negative trait to bring his denial into reality for Knight.
I wanted positivity to focus on though, so I had to search pretty hard. I prayed about it and the Lord planted the answer in my heart. I knew I had to pick my battles and not overwhelm him, but I had forgotten how awesome celebrating small feats with verbal rewards could be! Picking my battles meant that I could not expect him to follow the house rules just yet and I had to look the other way in many situations. My only exception to this was in the event of harmful or abusive threats or behaviors. Those I had to stop immediately. As for the putting the lid back on the toothpaste – that would wait. We celebrated an avoided argument, a door being shut instead of slammed, laughter & smiles, admitting faults, or owning up to truths, talking to his mother on the phone without yelling, speaking to his father without running away or raising his hands to hit. (I’m not saying these things didn’t happen. I am just saying that when a day went by without them happening – we celebrated ) 🙂
Make Every Day a Good Day
Every day we had, no matter how bad it began or ended was “A Good Day“. A good day for a child/teen with ODD may look like the worst possible day for any other child, but if you don’t celebrate even the smallest accomplishments, progress could begin to slide backwards. At the end of the day, I would congratulate Knight on a job well done and tell him it was a good day. At first, he looked at me puzzled (because he was becoming more aware of his behavior and lies). I would tell him that everyday is a good day because I won’t give up on you and you are trying 🙂 The first few days he heard this, he blew me off and went to bed thinking I was crazy. After the first week of hearing this, he began to believe it with me. He also began to look forward to hearing it before bedtime.
On the third week, I purposefully neglected to tell him it was a good day. He came to me and asked me if it was a good day. I answered: Yes honey, everyday is a good day… and he finished my sentence “as long as I try?” 🙂
Believe it or not he was getting better – still very very difficult to live with and be around, but he was healing!
So at this point, I had three major things I was focusing on:
- Maintaining open dialog
- Pointing out annoying behaviors
- Bringing lies to Knight’s attention
To maintain fairness, I shared my plans with my other two boys so they would not feel as though they were being treated unfairly. They know me and their limits and I wanted them to be involved in Knight’s progress plan also. I never shared explicit details, just the basics and kept the conversations Knight and I had only between him, his father and I. My boys were happy to be included because they were feeling they were being treated unfairly.
If you have other children in the home, I would suggest sharing your progress plans with them also (if you feel it appropriate) so your family can grow stronger during this process and not drift apart.
[…] is the final article (part 12) of a series. If you have not read part 1, part2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6, part 7, part 8, part 9 , part 10 , and part 11– I urge you to do so if […]
[…] article is part 11 of a series. If you have not read part 1, part2, part 3, and part 4, part 5, part 6, part 7, part 8, part 9 , part 10 – I urge you to do so if you are […]
[…] article is part 10 of a series. If you have not read part 1, part2, part 3, and part 4, part 5, part 6, part 7 , part 8 , and part 9 – I urge you to do so if you are […]
[…] article is part 9 of a series. If you have not read part 1, part2, part 3, and part 4, part 5, part 6, part 7 , and part 8 – I urge you to do so if you are searching […]
[…] article is part 8 of a series. If you have not read part 1, part2, part 3, and part 4, part 5, part 6 , and part 7 – I urge you to do so if you are searching for help […]
[…] article is part 7 of a series. If you have not read part 1, part2, part 3, and part 4 , part 5 , and part 6 – I urge you to do so if you are searching for help on this […]
[…] article is part 6 of a series. If you have not read part 1, part2, part 3, and part 4 , and part 5 – I urge you to do so if you are searching for help on this subject. […]
[…] article is part 5 of a series. If you have not read part 1, part2, part 3, and part 4 – I urge you to do so if you are searching for help on this subject. If […]
Thanks for sharing. My eldest has just been diagnosed with ADHD and ODD. He’s six. I’m new to your blog, but I look forward to reading more. It’s so nice to know I’m not alone.
[…] Defiance Disorder). This article is part 4 of a series. If you have nor read part 1, part2, part 3 – I urge you to do so if you are searching for help on this subject. If you’ve read […]
Christina, I don’t think it takes O.D.D. to think it’s someone else’s fault – it’s been a common issue since the first human sin was committed by Adam and Eve – Eve blamed the serpent, then Adam blamed God (for giving him Eve). Frankly, I’ve blamed others myself and I found out in early 2007, at age 41, that I have Asperger’s Syndrome (a high functioning condition on the autistic spectrum).
You are correct about Adam and Eve fine sir 🙂
I also have a child with gentle traits of Asperger’s Syndrom. He is very high functioning as well. But he is not the child that we worked with through the O.D.D. adventure.
You are also correct (as I mentioned above) blaming others is not just a trait of O.D.D. It is a small part of the defiance that combines with all the other traits and it is to the extreme.
Example 1: Knight would walk through the house kicking walls leaving impressions in the drywall in front of all of us while he was angry. After he’d calmed down (only minutes later) I spoke to him about how destructive behavior would not be tolerated and showed him the damage he’s caused. He would look me straight in the eye and tell me “Someone else” did that cause it wasn’t him.
Example 2: I walked in on Knight threatening one of the boys with a knife. I heard and saw the whole thing and stopped it. I took the knife away and told him that behavior was more than unacceptable. He immediately said, he didn’t do it.
The examples could go on and on. The point is, a child with O.D.D. is oppositional. He wants to do the absolute opposite of what he thinks is wanted or required of him. He knew we were working on telling the truth, so in his answer – he purposefully opposed what he thought I wanted – and he lied.
Thank you for reading Don. This story is just beginning 🙂 There will be additional articles on this subject 🙂
[…] looking through Reader on WordPress I came across the following blog http://chrissyadventures.wordpress.com/2013/05/20/oppositional-defiance-disorder-itssomeone-elses-fa… I read all three blog posts on the subject and learned a lot but it’s not what I was looking for. […]
Thank you for this and your other posts. I was thinking about a child I work with but it didn’t fit. But you got me thinking and after trawling the web think I have found the answer for our little man. Central Auditory Processing Disorder has jumped out at me. Your blog started me off and I got there in the end. I have mentioned you and your post in my blog tonight. As a community the blogging world really can teach us, inform us and inspire us. Thank you again.
I’m happy for you dear & glad I could help in a small way. I very much enjoy your blog & applaud your mothering instincts 🙂